What better way to start the work week off then with….

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!  HA!

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it 

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs  (Woman get fat after marriage because they are MISERABLE!!!)   HEHE 

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes  -  and 45 lbs...lol...sorry, I had to add the 45 lbs on this one too because we know it's true!

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

 
Happy Mother's Day to all you wonderful strong mothers, grandmothers, aunts, sisters, step-moms, adoptive moms...    to any woman who finds herself providing the love of a mother to child..  
 
 
I have been blessed to have the most amazing, loving, strong, supportive, nurturing mother in the world...
she is my hero.. 
I love you mom!!!!!!!
 
 
My hero.. 
 
 
Before I was myself you made me, me
With love and patience, discipline and tears,
Then bit by bit stepped back to set me free, 
Allowing me to sail upon my sea,
Though well within the headlands of your fears.
Before I was myself you made me, me 
With dreams enough of what I was to be
And hopes that would be sculpted by the years,
Then bit by bit stepped back to set me free, 
Relinquishing your powers gradually
To let me shape myself among my peers.
Before I was myself you made me, me, 
And being good and wise, you gracefully
As dancers when the last sweet cadence nears
Bit by bit stepped back to set me free. 
For love inspires learning naturally:
The mind assents to what the heart reveres.
And so it was through love you made me, me
By slowly stepping back to set me free.
Nicholas Gordon
It takes a Mother's Love 
to make a house a home,
A place to be remembered,
no matter where we roam.

It takes a Mother's Patience,
to bring a child up right,
And her Courage and her Cheerfulness
to make a dark day bright.
It takes a Mother's Thoughtfulness
to mend the heart's deep "hurts,"
And her Skill and her Endurance
to mend little socks and shirts.

It takes a Mother's Kindness
to forgive us when we err,
To sympathize in trouble
and bow her head in prayer.

It takes a Mother's Wisdom
to recognize our needs
And to give us reassurance
by her loving words and deeds.
 
It takes a Mother's Endless Faith,
her Confidence and Trust
To guide us through the pitfalls
of selfishness and lust.

And that is why in all this world
there could not be another
Who could fulfill God's purpose
as completely as a MOTHER!

Helen Steiner Rice 
 
To my kids, thank you for making being a mom the most incredible untouchable thing in my life ~ I love you deeply...
 
 
 

His mother says; "Now, did you learn anything from that?" To which the little boy replies;

"Sure did. I've only been white for five minutes and I already hate you F*ckn Packies!"